I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
I also witnessed that same parrot perched on the head of a man grinding with a girl.
Interesting. As a girl I don't know how okay I would be with that.
She seemed pretty into it.
also dude totally apologize for the whole drunken "want something in my mouth" text
My roommate just walked in with a case of beer locked himself in his room and told us he was going to masturbate his feelings away...
Don't stress. That was a joke. I'd trust my pets with no one else. Accidents happen. Sometimes things go smoothly when you help a neighbor out and sometimes you electrocute their fish. Life is funny that way.
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
He understood my need for pizza was more important than my need for sex. He's the one.
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
He couldn't undo my bra. He ended up breaking the clasp he clawed at it so long. We met on Tinder for God sake
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
I'll be naked. By 11. Then arrested. Drunk tank adventures
Randomize
