i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
Funny thing- my attraction to each one is inversely proportional to his level of availability.
I just want to make him a cookie cake that says "you have no chance with me."
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
I just fell for a fake 50 dollar bill in a urinal. Fuck pittsburgh
i dont think my parents would of encouraged me to save years of birthday money if they knew what i would eventually spend it on
this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
Currently doing my walk of shame down a floating dock. No more guys who live on a boat EVER AGAIN
I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G
Well we're either getting a bunny or I'm getting you pregnant in about 12 days.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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