I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
Really stoned
just sent my roommate on a cheese run
Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.
I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Kid sitting next to me smells like he slept in a dutch oven full of farts. Going to die.
thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking
We're high and this subject came up and I'd like a female opinion: if you were a dude, what would you do if a girl tried to give you a foot job?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
It may be a clusterfuck, but I'll be looking classy as shit as I watch the nightmare unfold
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
Could someone explain to me why there were 40 individually wrapped burritos in the fridge when I woke up this morning?
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
