im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'
I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.
and she just brought her bike into the shower with her
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
VASECTOMY FOR THE WIN
See and now you're talking. I am like the fairy godmother of hook ups.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
ETA 20 minutes and if you greet me at the door with a gin & tonic I’ll give you head.
Randomize
