Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
i woke up in the lobby of Holiday Inn on a chair sitting up straight
We will have to go big on the 4th! Nothing says independence like the impending doom of an ankle monitor
Well at least it wasn't the first time I threw up out of a second story window
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I don't question myself. That's what I have you for.
I'm honored.
I think that all guys are assholes, some of them just have less assholeish qualities that we accept in our lives and that we can look past enough to deal. They have to be a pretty special asshole.
My goal is to be drunk before we even get out of the No Wake Zone.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
I'm gonna write a book entitled "when you give a cop a cookie..."
I don't even want to know.
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