So for his birthday I'm planning on doing what stripper did when she put the matches on her nipples..lights them n makes him blow them out..SEE I AM dating material.
She rubs her butt on the bed & then she growls..
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'
remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
It's gonna be one of those someone is getting divorced parties
Yes, yes I will fake crap in his house for you.
Also, my aunt grabbed my phone and downloaded the scriptures. Apparently I need Jesus.
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
I went to finger her and found a penny. I think ill keep it.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
this old people party is bangin. they have apple cider with everclear in it
Randomize
