Nah got too drunk to function...probably could have dragged something home over my shoulder if the cops didn't roll
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.
I have to brush my teeth today to feel like I did something.
She agreed that we could have sex whenever I wanted and I could let someone else meet my mom.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
The notification you get from snapchat that someone took a screenie is like a formal declaration of blackmail.
There's no such thing as shame in your world, is there?
I think all the guys I've fucked in my life would get along perfectly. They'd probably form an orchestra and travel the fucking world. That gives me the slightest feeling of consistency in life which is great.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
Randomize
