I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester
just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner
I just had to blow my nose on a mcdonalds receipt in my car. Its time to stop doing coke.
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
