member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy
On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
I feel like I'm going to get the reputation of being the girl who brings her dog with her to all her random hookups.
If if makes you feel any better, you're definitely the hottest guy I've ever friendzoned.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
No dude shes like 5 feet tall and maybe 100 pounds... Normally i wouldnt be scared but someone gave her a bat. Thats why im in the bathroom
How was it?
Incredible. Everyone in the world should be having the kind of sex I've been having.
He should write a pamphlet or something...
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