So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Sorry, I don't speak sober.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
this text is just filler to avoid a lull in the conversation
Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.
Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed
How in the hell did I take a shot of whiskey to the eyeball last night?
I'm going to have to have a long talk with god if my soul mate has a prince albert
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
I'm trying to get WebMD to diagnose me with a hangover
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
So you thought it was a good idea to make plans for the same time same place with the guy you were sort of dating AND his best friend you slept with?
I was amazing, unlike anything he's ever experienced. I somehow made him feel young and old.and he never felt old before. He feels I will literally kill him. With my magic, lethal vagina.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
Randomize