my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i was so drunk he made me beileve the song was called "thanksgiving sex."
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.
Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
Some bitch is passed out in a pool of vomit. Fucking lightweight, it's only 8.30.
Oh, wait.. That's you.
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
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