Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious
Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.
I'm drunk, we're losing, and I'm in the visitors stands. This is about to get ugly.
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
You screamed "i promise ill stop blowing your brother" in the middle of a packed restaurant at 1pm. We should maybe rethink our relationship.
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I told him. He hasn't said anything. Crying and holding cats is probably what is happening.
I’m home. Please don’t call me unless you have an arterial bleed or you’re on fire. Love you 😘
We've been here for 9 days, so of course I am high at my in-laws' house.
Randomize
