i don't like sucking hair
Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
We should live in a duplex and just hook up with randoms for the rest of forever and be animal hoarders.
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
He got violent drunk so we have to untie him in the morning. He's in your basement and you're out of electrical tape. Don't forget because I will.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Your headphones are on the door knob and I left you a burger on the door step.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Dude. $3 Jack n Cokes AND Cheesesticks... Find me tomorrow plz
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
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