I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
Did your dad mention the fact that you asked him for viagra at 2 in the morning?
if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
I felt really bad for not letting her go in, it was like we were dangling lesbians in front of her
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
And you are going to be so turned on by my batman skills later
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
I just woke and had to fish my phone out of a bowl of chili. I was wrist deep in it. WHO BROUGHT CHILI TO A PARTY?!
its not chili. and you brought it.
Randomize
