Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her
He came in the heat vent in my car. Don't ask how it happened.
Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.
My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
This will be amazing. Plus he's going to do a line of cocaine off of the other guy's ass.
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
I just want you to know that I am dancing around my apartment by myself singing Taylor Swift into a wine bottle. Do hurry.
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
WHAT IS HAPPENING
A FLOCK OF DICKS IS MIGRATING TOWARDS US.
When i said i was brazilian i swear to god he started to tear up
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
I’m really regretting these suede pants.
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