Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
the girl sitting next to me in class is using her birth control box as a ruler
its officail im naming my first born child brickbreaker
I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Laying on my kitchen floor and the lights just got brighter... I just died or there was a power surge. Based on the amount of booze I drink both are possible.
Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.
I just want nice things and good sex
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
Oh man. I am high, watching The Office and getting pancakes. What a country.
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
