Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
i woke up and my collection of plastic neon wayfarers were half-melted in the microwave. my drunk self hates my hipster self
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.
I woke up to find my purse full of puke, and all I could think was not again.
The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.
Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.
But once you explained how to fill cupcakes with semen I realize you were harmless and right on my level.
I'd apply for another job, but "staring out windows crying" is not a hot qualification right now.
Dude I puked in a snow bank and then fell face first into it
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
Dont worry, the Canadians are more afraid of you then you are of them.
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
Randomize
