Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing
There's going to be a pool, lightsabers and alcohol. What could go wrong?!
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I just had cybersex with some guy from the Netherlands for 2 HOURS instead of doing my History project...how's your break going?
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
You made out with two different species that night
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
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