why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
I need to buy a mesh tank top to fit in in Florida. Where do they even sell that shit?
so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.
C smoking isn't all bad
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
It can't be easy when an alcoholic Russian is screaming to the entire dorm "he no get hard"
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
