i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?
Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!
The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.
If the world ends now I want you to know I was on my favorite toilet fighting the good fight.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
Yo. What's your name again? You put "don't tell your landlord" as your name lol
We are no longer allowed to make spur of the moment decisions about our love lives
ABSOLUTELY NOT
There is eyeliner on my toilet. Vodka and I have a love hate relationship.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
