Well all I remember is going to sleep being big spoon to you and waking up being little spoon to *****
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Are we still banned from the library?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
I really have to stop having sex with people I sell drugs to...it feels unprofessional
Captain and coke. And it's not drinking alone cuz i have a dog
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
I think I puked in the middle of sex last night if that's any indication as to how drunk I was.
I just don't understand why your parents aren't supporting your dreams of being a medieval weapon smith.
Her vag MUST be made out of starbursts or something equally as delicious.
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
Randomize
