he showed up at my house with a hand-stiched sweater that said "girlfriend?"
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
If I were there, I'd be putting a martini in you, via funnel if need be, and you would be doing this thing.
Got robbed by knifepoint. Then got sympathy Bj. I might have to walk down Austin ave drunk every weekend
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Sean slept in the bushes beside my house again. Any reason he kept screaming/slurring 'it was all a bunch of goddamn lies' through out the night?
While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
You were on the train yelling, "THIS TRAIN NEEDS TO GO FASTER SO I CAN GO HAVE SEX WITH MY BOYFRIEND!!!"
I was on tinder the whole time I was waiting for my pregnancy test results at the doctors.
Change of plans & whoring it up tonight
I stole a block of cheese from the party last night and put it in my purse but I got so drunk that I left my purse on the floor and my dog ate it.
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