I can't remember if we talked about feelings. Fuck you Miller High Life.
Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
This hangover is way worse than all my relationships
I mean he's a cool ass guy, but he's genuinely in love with a fat chick. I just can't take him seriously as a person.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
We smoked a blunt in a stall where a drag queen was fucking a bartender in the ass. So theres gonna be a second date :)
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
Do we have to do this party tonight? I'm worried my bed will miss me...
Randomize
