he keeps dipping things in ranch and feeding them to me
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
Omg, those nutella cakes are heavenly, like licking the nipples of a muscular black Jesus.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
I don't want to go back to the suburbs. Being drunk in public isn't ok and theres too many children. Don't make me.
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
Can we talk about how i drunkenly changed the timezone on my phone last night and just showed up to work an hour early
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
He’s tiny, hairless and humps my leg when he wants sex. He’s basically a chihuahua
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