Baby momma caught me doing baby daddy in reverse cowgirl. She kicked me out and i have no clothes, come get me.
I hope you walked the shit out of that shame.
Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
I feel like a bad episode of csi trying to figure everyone's DNA that's in me
He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
Where is my rescue team. I keep hiding shit. And I'm trying to give out shots of olive oil
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
this one kid was speed-mumbling about putting broccoli in the printer
I'm still confused. So he's NOT your cousin by blood, but WAS your cousin, on two separate occasions, by marriage? Still too weird I think...
In other news, I woke up still drunk and I think I literally just broke the Guinness book of world records for most bloody Mary's in one day...
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
LISTEN TO ME! DONDE ESTA LA FUCKING VICODIN!
Randomize
