Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"
Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
nah we got kicked outta the bar after the bouncer saw us putting straws up Chelsea's nose to make her look like a walrus after she fell asleep at the table
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
we left when one of the guys tried to stick himself with an IV that he found
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
Oh btw, ur tongue should count as a second cock it's that good
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
Randomize
