Tell me I did not drive one hour for whiskey dick.
I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I just tried to make cleaning gasoline off your shoes with toilet paper in the Chemistry Building bathroom look normal. I failed.
Time to eat Mexican food til I hate myself.
That's completely alright, I do it a lot.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Note to self: trying to grow pubes back = worst decision of 2014 thus far
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
Tinder recommend to a friend: making threesomes easier since 2016
Everyone I slept with in 2016 is getting a Christmas card from me. Because I'm an adult.
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
Randomize
