i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
It was weird. Like "Mom, Dad, here's a guy who knows my orgasm face".
I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
High as shit. I just described caramel syrup on crackers to my mom for 15 minutes...
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
i tied my phone to a string attached to my bra. i am NOT losing it tonight
This is a whole new generation of premature ejaculators
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
I'm glad I can share my workout progress with you via my nudes
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
Randomize
