I hope to God it wasnt poon. That odor was unnatural, it was satanic pussy.
dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.
So, I'm stoned at his house petting the neighbors cat I made him steal.
You're a fucking train wreck.
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
I'm not gonna lie. The thing I miss the most about him right now is the air conditioned hotel rooms.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
We left him in some bushes a few blocks down toward campus. Did he find his way home?
I literally have a pirate chest of slutty clothing.
sometimes u just gotta ride a dildo and forget about life
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
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