Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
Hes far too high and trying to explain daylight savings time to me. Help?
And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"
Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
Randomize
