I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day
There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.
You were demanding water from a bottle but I didn't have one..so I just took the water bottle from the hamster cage. You're welcome.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
As long as I don't spend the half the week passed out/fucked up on Klonopin and no one dies, this will be the best week I've had all semester.
Got stoned and went to Walmart. For some reason a preacher walked up and asked if I knew the lord so I just yelled "I CAN FEEL HIM IN MY VIENS" at the top of my lungs. he left after that.
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
your marriage is hazardous to my nightlife
yea, mine too.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
i am risking my non lesbian vagina for your needs. i better be the best friend you ever had
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