I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
i told the bartender last night that if the palace saloon made a calendar he would be every month.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?
Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch
I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Me and tommy were trying to figure out why our printer was jammed, found a condom stuck in the paper slot. #collegeprobs
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
Over 14,000 people at my school and the kid I went home with last night is IN MY FUCKING LECTURE
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
Randomize
