Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?
I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.
Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.
I also tried to solve my dog's itching problem with crystal healing. I'm so high, dude.
I just rubbed amethyst all over him and kept saying 'no bites.'
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I told him I was going to sit on his face after I got out of the shower, he threw up the arm boners and yelled "STEVE HOLT!!" I might actually stop sleeping with other dudes.
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
He took a picture of me to show his boss why he was late...Is that a compliment or not?
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
Randomize
