You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"
before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-
you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i just realized... if i ever hook up with someone on my bed, we'll be fucking atop my animated batman themed bedset.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
I was all, oh. I've had tattoos and broken a limb. Waxing my lady parts will be a cake walk. I was wrong.
I butt dialed her mom while cheating on her. Needless to say Christmas will be awkward.
We had everything under control until this one jackass fucked up. Thanks, Peter.
It's official. My little brother has had more sex in my car than I have. I'm still tied with my little sister. I hate everybody.
Randomize
