I'm sad I can't be there is wknd, I'm laying on the beach and daydreaming of you / crying a bit
I'm watching a porn and daydreaming of you. Sounds like we both need Kleenex
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
When you get up and look at yourself in the mirror, don't be alarmed. The doctor assured us last night that it looked way worse than it actually was and there won't be a scar when the stitches come out
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
I actually had to apologize for "being too aggressive about harry potter"
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
I seriously feel like I just crawled out from under a shit covered rock. I'm NEVER drinking like that again...well, not for alteast a solid 3 hours.
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
Randomize
