You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.
What part of "waking up in the crawl space of my house with a raccoon" sounds like a good night to you?
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL
so no, not her best night
Bailey. He has a soul patch. Idgaf if he was an NFL player. Nobody with a soul patch is attractive.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Props to you. You took the bet seriously. Making out with her for an hour right after she spewed
A stranger came up to me, pointed at my drink and asked what it tasted like and proceeded to chug half of it and then walked away.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
Randomize
