either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.
Get your damn GED now that you are harvesting a child in her belly
What is a GED?
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx
all I remember is repeatedly winking at the fire marshall while he was counting the people in the bar
Seriously, don't even. "Hi, have I seen you half naked covered in bright red body paint on the internet?" is NOT acceptable water-cooler chit-chat.
Aw.
Depending on which video of him streaking you watch, you can see me passed out in the front row.
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
New low: eating a buttered roll while taking a shit.
This is why we're soulmates.
It's scary that my vibrator is a dangerous weapon. I want a new one.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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