I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
BRIAN AND ANTHONY SPOON FED MY BROTHER MACARONI AND CHEESE WHILE HE WAS FUCKING ZARA. THEY WENT TO HIGHFIVE HIM AND ZARA WAS LIKE "WOO!" AND HIGHFIVED THEM FIRST
I just had a mini meltdown cause I thought they forgot to put the cheese packet in my mac and cheese. I'm having an awful week.
Remember how slutty I thought she was when we were freshmen?
Yeah! But that was a long time ago. Plus, you use your sluttiness for good!
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
