it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?
did you answer or finish?
both
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I have to take tonight off from shenanigans. My liver is planning a coup
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
I'm having a funeral for my vibrator. Please be there. I need your dick for support.
I peed outside 4 times after the bar, safe to say I had great night
My new plan is to whip out my titties when they arrive. Maybe they won’t notice that I broke the couch fucking my boss...
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
So, 'head before the store' turned into a fuck fest, & that's how I ended up at the grocery store smelling like a cum farm on Black Friday. How's your weekend?
Randomize
