I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!
What does that even mean?
You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
You never realize how many sex toys you have until you have to strategically hide them while moving out of your dorm.
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
I cnant read. Cheetos goen. Help. Grt Cheetos.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I love how my phone automatically capitalizes Margarita. R-e-s-p-e-c-t.
I know you saw me get knocked out after I stepped on that rake why did you leave me there
How bad was it?
Stopped drinking Sunday, hungover on Tuesday bad.
I'm not over that dildo rifle story. I don't think I ever will be.
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Do you remember standing up at 3 in the morning and asking me if I was counting to six?
Randomize
