Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels
Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Yeah, my new jeep also came with custom license plates that read 4SKIIN. Not "4 skin" but "4 skiing" thanks mom and dad
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I do NOT want to date a man who has no interest in going to a kangaroo farm
I know you're very busy with sleep and things, but when you wake up we need to talk about weirdly shaped penises.
so much tequila, so little girl.
You can't just say "I scored us a potential threesome" and then not text me back.
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
