I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them
Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
If you've ever wondered what a shitshow is, just watch me at the bar on a Friday. Or Tuesday. Take your pick.
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
I'm on the porch day drinking and the neighbor is in his yard screaming about his amazing sandwiches, maybe we should move.
i think if a sober person was watching us they would have not thought we were witty
i have a serious question for you... Why I am i not wearing any pants?
Well, fuck this election. I'm getting drunk, regardless of who wins.
Randomize
