Minivans at bars can only lead to bad things.
please take me off your list of people to text when you don't want to drink by yourself.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer
Has now officially visited every ER in this city in one semester.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
You've thrown off my entire schedule. Usually SATURDAYS are my "try to hide the jizz on my leggings" days
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
Matt and I's climactic adventure has ended with Matt being hauled off to jail. And now his brother and I are having lunch and a beer.
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
He met a girl at a stop light and managed to give her his number while driving down the highway.
Randomize
