i don't plan on having that self control this summer
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.
Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.
Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...
omg sorry but i tried to stop you when you were at your drunk limit but i took my eyes off you for like 2 seconds and you suddenly appeared with hard liquor in both hands for yourself and downed them and it was downhill from there
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Randomize
