just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
So my earrings and necklace kept jingling and hitting him in the face, and he told me felt like he was fucking a Christmas tree
We've finally become those guys who you'd see in middle school when you went to the park who are just stoned out of their minds sitting on the swings.
Of course it's dangerous. Why else would they hire us after we failed the drug test?
His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.
I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
I feel like every young boy's first wet dream is too have sex with the Pink Ranger. I am now fulfilling that dream for one man. I am a hero.
What's an appropriate outfit for wearing to hangout with a girl you've talked to once, and had a 4way with?
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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