Threw my underwear in my purse as I was running away after sex last night, went to pick up my birth control prescription this morning, took out my wallet and accidentally flung my sweet thong onto the counter in front of the cashier. Think that was the universes way of telling me I am a whore.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.
I need to think of the best way to tell this boy he's not getting his pants back
Just found an unopened tied g of coke on the floor in her room... she thinks the maintenance guy dropped it earlier today. This takes the cake for sketchiest apartment.
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
i would never take his side over yours. you coulda gotten knocked up from another dude and i'd be right there next to you blaming it on him saying some shit like "his sperm were just too sub par for you" or "shoulda had a bigger penis"
So my booty call knows your bf. Apparently they were in jail together
If you ever feel goofy just think of the fact that I just shaved the batman symbol into my pubes
Ugh I don't want to adult today. I need like a dozen more coffees. Or cookies. They're interchangeable.
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
Randomize
