Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis
I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
Randomize
