dude did u upper deck my toilet?
haha like two months ago
i cleaned the bathroom like ten times before i realized what the smell was.....i hate u
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
There is a hole in her door about 2 inch in diameter. You may see me on YouPorn
the bruises from climbing out of the window last night make sitting at my desk impossible. legit excuse to not study right?
I feel like I should have backed off when "I love you" came out on the third date. Now I'm in her bed wondering which door my shrine is behind. Fuck.
Just saw a couple chasing each other on lawn mowers. Oh South Knoxville.
Apparently we stole a dog last night. I woke up and it was just staring at me. But we fed it left over KFC for breakfast so it's cool.
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Yess he was literally so drunk that like at one point I'm pretty sure he thought it was hard and in when neither were true :/ haha
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
He just jumped up off the couch, screamed "ITS OVER NINE THOUSAND!" And then attempted to fly out the window like a bird. I don't know nor do I care to know what just happened
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
Randomize
