Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.
Wtf? What happened?
Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.
I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
There is a french fry attached to my steering wheel and a note that says "eat me yum yum" can you explain this?
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
