I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Great, now justin bieber is gonna sing a song about chile
Today my mom told me "that's what worries me about you getting blacked out drunk... You don't look pretty"
I just realized how early it is, you're taking this booty call thing to a whole other level. also, there are altoids all over my room, that was weird
We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
She's wearing her dead grandmother's pearl on the married finger so no guys "bother her" tonight... I am not THAT committed to Girl's Night.
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I actually feel bad for him. He has me as a girlfriend and he's like a saintly cleanly person... And I'm over here telling him to jizz on my back and shit.
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
I had to switch coats with someone at work because you can see the giant sex choke bruise on my neck. Being kinky is hard.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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