i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
He told me he was a psychology major, and I responded by asking him where he hid his vagina.
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Dude imagine how many pictures of dicks Obama gets. That can't be unusual. Almost every kids in the US has written the president a letter.
Idk how much more i could have responded my dick was basically trying to unzip the zipper and hop out
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Gonna be late for work. Sex comes first. Priorities.
If you sleep with him I will stab you int the uterus with a pitchfork.
Prepare the pitchfork.
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Randomize
