This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?
Wow! You need to get laid.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
I tried to fuck this guy who I'm pretty sure has an erectile dysfunction
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Tell me right now I did the right thing by not fucking my sick gf at 3 am with her family home... Tell me my balls hurt for noble reasons.
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
I'm sorry, the person you're trying to reach is WAYYY too high to deal with this right now.
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
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