i can totally tell he's high. he's having a conversation with my dog.
I just woke up in my car with half the wedding cake next to me. This will not end well.
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.
I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
I just canoed to the bar. I am a skilled drunk paddler.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
I'm slightly more gay than I thought. I'd go so far as to say I'm a top.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
I came home wearing somebody's thong. If you're missing one message me privately.
I need to stop getting picked up at 3 am by my friends parents. This is the second time this week. I'm a grown man.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
Randomize
