yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
Just whatever you do please don't lick his face again.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
how do you expect me to pass the time when I'm too old to be jailbait but too young to legally drink
Are you doing trivia tonite? Also sorry I peed on you.
Well the term Party is used loosely in this situation. Since it will just be mom wine drunk and us eating chips with multiple dips.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
YOU HAVE TO STOP TELLING BARTENDERS WE DON'T HAVE MORAL STANDARDS
My mom just woke me up with a cowboy hat and sunglasses on. It's 7 am and she's drunk.
My hairdresser won’t do keratin treatments because of the toxins, but will put ecstasy up her butt at festivals...
Randomize
