Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.
I could seriously attempt to try and saw my head in half with a butter knife cause im pretty sure it could not hurt any more than it already does
There appears to be a lake on my nightstand. As usual, I should not be considered a suspect. Together, we will find out who did this.
if I'm at school tomorrow just indulge my moment of pity and let me cry on your shoulder
most desperate stoner moment might have been when we filled the bong up with pond water
desperate times, desperate measures
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
I WOLD FCUK YUO INTOO THE MOON
THE MOOOOOOOON
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
He played with my nipples while singing "How great thou art"
Would an open wound count as good sex or bad sex?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
