her voice honestly makes me want to vomit. i have springsteen cranked up all the way.
Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea
By midnight I was dipping doritos in frosting...that's how my simmer break diet is going.
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
pretty sure 5 days for a bachelor party in Vegas is too long when even the stripper giving me a lapdance says "wow that's a long time!"
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Banging to Billy Joel pandora is like russian roulette. But I made him cum to Let It Be so I we both walked away victors
I am pants-free in the living room. This is liberating.
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